And So I Wait

And So I Wait

By Ariel Perez

I could look into her eyes for days, forever, and I know that every time she would break my restless, bleeding and ever trying heart. She would never know the truth that resides in my soul. She would never know my truth, the way I adored and craved every word that spilled from her thin pale lips. I would make her my world if she would just have me a part of hers, but to her we were bound by the fence of our friendship. I know that in my world, that god forsaken fence has been torn apart and done with, but in hers it existed for protection, as if she were waiting for a war to break out. She would be forever prepared. I was her lonely neighbor who peeked over that cold barrier every now and then to say “Hello, the world is not so bad, come out in the sun, give it a try”. Staring at her across our coffee table was always a bitter sweet challenge. She told me everything that ever came to her mind, she told me who she could not and would not trust but that I was one of the few. I’ve known this, I’ve always known this. With me she dose not struggle to rephrase what is spilling from her flooded mind, she’s not afraid to let me hear what’s going on inside her gated world, a world I envied to be a part of. We could talk for hours on end, when everyone else had gone to sleep in the world we were still up with cups in our hands and telling endless stories. She was an amazing creature. And though I loved her, loved our friendship it was a curse as well. Life was dangling water over the head of a dehydrated and delusional man. She was what I could never have, I was her safety zone, the one she confided things in and it killed a part of me. It tore at me and it raged inside my heart but this was what she needed, a good friend. I would always be there for her, until the end of time itself; I would be what she needs. She was a challenge that no man could win, when she spoke you could hear in her words that part of her was missing, broken, and she could not fix it. She wouldn’t let anyone near enough to even try. I wanted desperately to fix her world, but she would not let me near the broken part of her, I could tell the way her eyes went empty sometimes that it was too painful a subject. She was screaming silently in her mind but wanted no one to hear. This made my heart sink into the pits of my stomach, when I could not pull her away from drowning in the deep sea that was her mind. All I could do was change the subject, make her laugh and hope that it somehow brightened up her day, just for a few moments. I hoped that one day she would give me a chance to save her, to change her world for the better. Until then I would be here listening to her every word, it was always more sweet then bitter. My heart was scared and sore but it could take the lashings, and so I wait for a chance, a hope that some where in her world for one that there would be room for another.

©HeyJude